Relinquishment, surrender, placement … all are respectful and usable terms for a birth mother choosing adoption for her child, and no matter what it’s called it is extremely difficult and lifelong, not a one-time event.
There are as many reasons for a birth mother to choose adoption as there are birth mothers who do, so any assumptions made about either the decision or the person making the decision are bound to be wrong much more often than anywhere near the mark.
Although youth and poverty are commonly thought of as indicators of the likelihood the adoption option will be taken, neither or both demand this be the case. Many young women, even those of limited means, choose to parent and do it well.
Unmarried status used to indicate insurmountable hurdles, so much so that in other times and cultures suicide was often the solution with the fewest negatives. Thankfully, now single parenting is not only acceptable, but to some it’s preferable. There are, however, unmarried women who find the thought of raising a child without benefit of a partner overwhelming.
While some women know long before they miss their first period that motherhood is not for them, most considering placement deliberate for the term of the pregnancy and beyond before a final determination is made. Verdicts can be overturned daily, even hourly, and assessments of the future, long and short, can vary.
When faced with the reality of a crisis pregnancy a woman is likely to note options that amount to difficult parenting, at best, in one direction, grief and loss in another, with the possibility of illusive contentment somewhere indefinable. ‘What ifs’ litter the ground, and for all anyone knows there is a minefield to negotiate on any of the paths.
Because a pregnancy has a timely course to run, decisions have to be made in a timely fashion, as procrastination does nothing but increase the pressing need to make a plan for the little person planning an entry.
The pressing need to plan should not translate into acquiescing to pressure, however, or to others taking advantage of a vulnerable position. Coercion does exist in infant adoption, and the damage it causes is tremendous, not only to women who place against their better judgement or wishes of the heart, but also to the children who are bound to learn the circumstances of their adoption and the adoptive parents who may have been either party to or beneficiaries of coercive practices.
The decision to relinquish a child should come from women who have carefully studied adoption and who understand exactly what the process means both short and long term. They need to understand that losing a child to adoption is a loss they will feel for the rest of their lives, one that cannot be reversed nor forgotten, but that must be faced year after year. Only through certain knowledge that they can not or choose not to or will not parent well and a fully informed decision to place can all parties to the adoption be at easy with the choice and within the relationships that develop.
Potential adoptive parents may be reluctant to question an expectant woman as to her motivation for relinquishment, feeling it too personal an agenda and none of their business, but for the good of all, and on behalf of the child they hope will be theirs, it is their duty to ensure that relinquishment results from honest and ethical practice in a fully informed climate where the mother can express and explain, to herself and others, a good reason to place.
Photo Credit: Library of Congress
February 18th, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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Any simple trail of thought would lead to an understanding that a child who came to a family through adoption would have no reason to look anything like its parents, but unless you sell signage space on foreheads and plaster your choice to adopt across them it may dawn slowly on some that your kids aren’t homemade.
People often seem compelled to stare into the face of a child and pinpoint something familiar there, even if they’re meeting up with a clan for the very first time. Take some little redhead and surround her with a bunch of brunettes and you are bound to run into someone somewhere making a comment about “throwbacks” … or the postman.
Imagine that same circumstance when Mom and Dad are of typical Anglo-Saxon decent and their child’s roots are very obviously somewhere deep in African or Asian soil.
It is certainly not your duty as an adoptive parent to educate every yahoo you come into contact with, but you must be aware that your child, when old enough, will be listening to these interactions and absorbing not only your words, but every nuance and undertone as well.
Your child’s adoption is a fact of life and should be a source of pride along with the acceptance of the circumstances that brought your family together, so there is a danger in appearing to ignore the reality.
The reasons behind a family’s adoption decisions are as varied as are the families that adopt, and one in a long list of those needing to be made is some variation of: What will our child look like?
Some opt for what is called “invisible adoption”. This doesn’t mean some strange human version of the invisible dog … a family pushing what appears to be an empty stroller or a diaper toddling around apparently on its own … but rather adopting a child of the same race, with possible consideration to matching physical characteristics of the biological parents with those of the adoptive parents.
In former times when secrecy surrounded adoption and shadows of shame were drawn over the picture of the family built through this fashion, having a child that “fit in” was considered an advantage, a way to make it less likely that the truth would come out.
These days, “invisible adoption” may actually present more issues, rather than fewer, in that a tendency to ignore or forget the part of a child’s history, to play “let’s pretend”, can be stronger when physical reminders of origins are too subtle to notice.
It is not necessary, nor is it helpful, to ignore biological influences and doing so can only serve to imply that coming to the family through adoption is not as good a method of entry as biologically producing, a thought that may eventually grow into the idea for your child that he is not as good as a homemade boy.
By acknowledging the genetic role birth parents play, you allow your child to accept and understand himself. His birth parent contributions are what make him him at the cellular level, and it is important that he learns to value the parts of him that came from them.
Your child’s adoption is not an embarrassing episode that should be left out of conversations. Whether he looks it or not, it was the miracle of adoption that brought him into your world, and that’s a cause for celebration and pride.
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February 13th, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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Adoption isn’t for everyone.
There are plenty of reasons families either never consider adding to their family through adoption, or consider the option for a while, then reject the idea.
Some learn upon introspection that their inclinations toward love have restrictions or boundaries they would prefer not to challenge, and they may decide to forego parenting altogether rather than raise a child not genetically connected.
Others take their childlessness as a sign that their family is not meant to get any bigger, or that their resources should be aimed in other directions, while some simply choose to be happy with what they have.
There are, of course, alternatives to adoption, and full consideration of those is a good idea before committing to any path.
The first and most obvious, but not always the most possible, alternate method of family construction is making a baby the old fashioned way, through procreation. There are many plusses to this enterprising from scratch method of family-building. It certainly is tried and true … people have been doing it for a long time now … and usually produces very good results.
For those that want the experience of pregnancy, but perhaps lack something necessary to the process of getting a baby started, embryo adoption, the legal adoption of genetically unrelated embryos for implantation through IFV (In vitro fertilization), is coming up to thirty years in the realm of the possible for infertile women hoping to produce a baby from their body.
The process is neither guaranteed nor without controversy when successful, but if a woman is physically capable of carrying a child to term, it is an option.
The costs are high, the risks are great, and the issues are numerous, but as science advances and culture catches up with those advances this option may increase in popularity.
When pregnancy isn’t possible, but a genetic link is desired and an option, surrogacy is a choice some make.
A surrogate … a woman who agrees to bear a child for someone else … may or may not contribute to the genetic mix of the child, depending on the type of surrogacy chosen, but with no legal standards for the process this may not matter. If issues arise, and many that have are remembered for grabbing the headlines for months at a time as courts wrangled custody and huge amounts of money have been tossed around along with claims of ‘baby-buying’ and other unsavory slurs, untangling the treads of parenthood is a complicated process that always results in someone’s loss.
There are cases where this works wonderfully well, but when looking at this alternative, but there is very little protection for your money or your heart.
Foster care, as opposed to foster adoption, is another option that brings children into the home, but perhaps not permanently.
Foster care can provide a stop-gap measure for children whose biological families are in some sort of crisis the requires temporary placements or one home in a series of homes for children unfortunate enough to have to live through such insecure circumstances.
Guardianship, legal custody and subsidized permanency are other legal designations that may be granted on behalf of children in circumstances where courts have are involved in establishing the best interests of the child.
For far less formal and demanding relationships, sponsoring a child fills the bill for some who want very much to help children in dire circumstance.
Whether on a huge scale … like Madonna supporting an entire community in Malawi … or small and personal with one family choosing to give enough money on a regular basis to feed, clothe or educate one child, providing sponsorship will make a difference in children’s lives.
There are many programs that facilitate these relationships, while some folks find kids they wish to sponsor through friends or travels. Some situations involve letters and photos, some occasionally lead to contact and visits.
If personal contact with children in need on a regular basis is a goal, volunteering can be a wonderful way to contribute to kids and take home a load of warm fuzzies.
Many communities and organizations welcome volunteers to care for children. Hospitals may need willing helpers in nurseries or children’s wards. Schools and public day care facilities can find extra hands and hearts a real boon. Groups like Scouts and 4-H put children and adults together for the benefit of both. Big Brothers/Big Sisters and other mentoring groups can make help to make the world a better place for kids lacking relationships with grownups who care.
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February 10th, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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In any conversation on what adoption is about, paperwork has to figure somewhere near the top of the list:
1. Love
2. Caring
3. Longing
4. Red Tape
Procreation may happen through a complicated song and dance of biology, but it’s an equally complicated ballet of bureaucracy that brings children into families through adoption, and as in the first instance, there’s often some fumbling around in the dark that needs to happen to get things going.
Fortunately, hopeful adoptive families are not expected to figure all this out on their own and the wheel does not have to be reinvented for every adoption.
Professional participation is a must in non-kinship adoptions, in many private adoptions and in all international adoptions and those through the foster care system, and the professionals usually enter the picture early on in the process through the requirement of a home study.
Although often interpreted to mean something akin to a dust bunny hunt, home study preparers are much more concerned about who you are than how often you clean under your fridge. Just as there will be no expectation of rigid schedules for sluicing down the deck or military-like precision in day-to-day routine, your family will be evaluated as the unique, individual collection of beings it is, and because every family is different, your differences may be as big a plus as the things about you that are like the people next door.
Although there is much they will want to know about you, they are as much about giving information as getting it, and their requests for details are created to prompt introspection and consideration. Take advantage of the expertise available: follow their leads on self-examination; ask questions; get referrals to other sources of information such as books, Web groups, support groups in your area, and so on.
Here’s a list of subjects a homestudy focuses on:
• Background: family, siblings, important events,
• If there are already children in the home, their ages, health, feelings about gaining a sibling.
• Present state of relationships
• Other people in your life you care about and who care about you…and eventually your child.
• Your marriage … how you get along, how you resolve conflicts
• Why you want to adopt a child
• How you think life will be when you have a child
• What you see for the child’s future
• Your ideas on parenting
• If infertility has been an issue, how you have dealt with this
• How extended family feels about adoption in general and you adopting.
• How you live day to day
• Your physical health
• Your education
• Your attitude toward education
• Employment and finances
• Any criminal background
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February 7th, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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Often, when people begin to think about adoption, their initial images come from popular media … movies, books and such … often outdated, and even more often just plain wrong in their representation of what it’s all about.
Although Harry Potter, Mowgli and Superman were all orphans, Shirley Temple danced her way into one “adoptive” home after another, and Batman “fostered” Robin, being familiar with whatever mainstream version has happened to cross one’s path does not add anything to the knowledge of what adoption is really about.
Because in truth there are as many accurate renderings of adoption as there are people who have been involved in adoption, one good place to begin the process of getting the hang of it is to learn about the different ways adoption happens.
Here are some of the more common types:
Adoption from foster care:
Formal adoption from foster care is a form of domestic adoption … meaning children and parents are in the same country … that matches hopeful adoptive families with children in care. Although foster care does not always lead to adoption, the option is sometimes offered.
Kids come to foster care from difficult circumstances. Some have been neglected, others abused, and often at older ages and in sibling groups.
In the US, states and counties have their own ways of handling foster relationships and the systems vary widely in process and in practice. Potential parents may be required to attend classes, pass licensing qualifications, and there may be restrictions on how many children are in the home, size of the home and so on.
Foster adoption does not come with big fees or costs for travel to distant lands.
Private domestic adoption:
Most of the people opting for US private adoption are hoping for babies … usually newborns … and this type of adoption is often the only option to bring home a very young a child. Laws vary from state to state and costs range widely.
Matches can be made before a child is born, but are not legally binding on anyone anywhere, so the possibility of a mother changing her mind about placement is very real.
Open adoption:
In domestic adoptions, the option of varying levels of contact between birth and adoptive families can be considered.
Step parent adoption
The most common adoption practice, step parents may adopt when one birth parent has passed away or because of divorce and remarriage. There are few costs involved in the process.
Kinship placements
Grandparents may find themselves raising their grandchildren, and often legal adoption offers rights and protections that would not be assumed otherwise.
Other relatives may step into a void to care for the child of a sibling or a cousin, in which case adoption would formalize the relationship.
International or Intercountry adoption
With the huge numbers of children in the world who are orphaned or abandoned due to issues of war, disease, horrible poverty, starvation or any of a million other reasons … as we all know, the children are always the ones to suffer the worst fate when things go wrong … international adoption may offer hope when there are no other options.
Programs are different country-to-country, as are costs, and as one country becomes more popular with adoptive families … and there are very real reasons for shifting trends, most due to politics much more than need, unfortunately … circumstances can change quickly and frequently.
Interracial adoption
An option for both international and domestic adoption, parenting children of a race or ethnicity different from that of the adoptive family is a distinct possibility. Careful consideration should be given as to the needs of the child and the ability of the family to provide for the special situations that will present themselves in a diverse household.
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February 5th, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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Roads to adoptive parenting come from many directions and are very rarely straight. When it begins in the village of infertility, it usually takes a number of years in that community before thoughts of wandering off in search of something more promising present themselves.
Waiting longer than was wise to settle in and get down to the job of making babies can result in that option no longer being viable, a turn of circumstance that brings adoption around as a goal.
Some choose parenting through adoption over procreation out of a sense of social responsibility after deciding that the planet doesn’t really need another person even if their family does, while others have known since childhood that they would build their grownup family through adoption as a matter of intention and choice.
It matters very little when anyone begins aiming their thoughts toward becoming an adoptive parent as long as they are ready for the journey by the time they set out.
As we’ve seen, adoption is not for sissies, and demands start with the first steps, and a biggie … a giant of a demand, in fact … is the deep and abiding understanding that adoption is not a “second-best” option.
Although it may be fact that you would not be considering adoption if you were able to make a baby from scratch, it must not be true that adoption is a disappointment, a a choice made regretfully. Although it’s easy enough for long-time adoptive parents to assure those new to the idea that they love their adopted kids in all the same ways and to all the same degrees as children issued from their bodies, it may be much harder to fully grasp the totality of that concept and not retain some shred of “if only”.
Adoption cannot be an “if only” heavy sigh of acceptance. Why? Because that would end up meaning that a child, your child … a human being of great and unique value … would, on some level, be an “if only”, and that is no way to live.
To become a parent to adopted kids takes a funny little trick of the mind that allows moms and dads to completely forget that their children are adopted, while at the same time maintaining a keen awareness of the fact their kids have history that they don’t share.
This sounds tough to people just setting out on the road, but to those of us who live here, who have done the work and make the decisions, it’s as easy as breathing and comes just as naturally.
February 3rd, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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I have both biologically produced kids and adopted kids, two of each, and I am very quick to point out to anyone asking that there has never been one smidgeon of difference between my feeling for the kids I made from scratch and those that involved more paperwork than chemistry.
In much the same fashion that had me falling in love with my bio kids as they grew inside me, all the intense maternal emotions blossomed for Sam and Cj from the moment we knew who they were and that, all things going according to plan, they would be ours.
I’ve often thought of the referral photos that came into my email from Cambodia as the international adoption equivalent of an ultrasound shot, just less fuzzy, in color and easier to tell what’s what.
Yes, my feelings have been exactly the same for each of my children: my love, my dedication, my willingness to throw myself in front of a train or a bullet to protect the little life placed in my care.
My parenting, however, has been quite different.
Well, of course it has! I was just barely 18 when my first child arrived in the world, and 53 when Cj came home, and that advance in age counts for not only a lot of water under the experience bridge, but a whole different way of looking at parenting.
I am far more financially stable, which also makes mothering a different process, as I now work from home rather than going out to the three simultaneous jobs I had to hold down to keep body and soul together when my older kids were little.
Very much aware now that life is a finite package, and that I have no idea when all the good stuff will be gone and I’ll be left with nothing but the empty sack, I think more about “legacy” issues … what sort of memories I want to help create with my kids, what bits of myself are important enough to me to pass along, what gifts I can give while I can still give them.
That Sam and Cj are adopted is fact, just as it is fact that I was in labor for 24 hours with my oldest child and that my grown son has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. There is no mystery, or no more than there is for any child in how the world came to have a place for him or her in it.
They well understand already that they were born in Cambodia, lived in an orphanage for a while, then became Benoitons through adoption. They both have personalized books of their adoption stories that are read often and shared, and my mother has done a beautiful needlepoint for each that lists their name, their birth date and their adoption date.
(How many kids are stunned at the first knowledge of procreation and are convinced they MUST be adopted, as their parents most certainly would never have done THAT?
Well, Sam and Cj get a pass on that shocker for a while … right up until the time they need to learn how they did come to be before they came to be mine.)
Adoption does, of course, cast another hue in the light that shines on our family and adds a branch to the family tree that is rooted in distant soil, and that is another way raising them is different.
Different. Not more. Not less. Not better. Not worse. Not bigger. Not smaller.
Yeah … different is good.
January 31st, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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I’ve been an adoptive mom for more than five years now after having been a foster parent for two years before that, so it takes a bit of a brain stretch to get me accurately harkening back to the days when I was treading new territory and taking the first steps on my personal adoption journey. With only a bit of effort, however, I can come up with at least a half a dozen misconceptions I had going into the process … some just plain silly, while others had hallmarks of intentional manipulation … that needed direct correction.
One early adjustment I had to make was to the idea that adopting a child was easy; it isn’t, nor should it be. I’ll admit to a certain level of naivety that had allowed me to live in a world where bad people wouldn’t consider adopting a child for hideous reasons, but, unfortunately, that world only exists in the heads of people to whom hideous reasons do not occur.
Although in fewer numbers and ratios than biological families can claim across the board, abuse has happened often enough in adoptive families to substantiate the need for thorough examinations of prospective parents … and even these fail to live up to the chore from time to time.
(The case of Masha Allen is one tragic example of a child being adopted by someone who should never have passed anyone’s version of a qualification process.)
Not only must police records be produced that indicate no background of conviction, home study investigation and the providing and checking of references is also part of the process for examining prospective parent worthiness, and all that adds up to just one small fraction of the pile of paperwork that adoption requires from hopeful adoptive parents.
Adoption is not only not easy from the outside, it’s also much harder than many think from the inside.
Making the decision to adopt can be a painful and disagreeable exercise in family communication and compromise, as getting everyone on the same page may require a lot of information, reeducation and some deep contemplation.
Wives may reach the place where adopting a child feels right long before a husband comes to the same conclusion … we’ll be looking at the “reluctant spouse” angle soon … and future grandparents might take even longer when faced with a new version of an old idea they had come to cherish.
A wealth of options make adopting a child more of a matter of consideration that making a baby the old fashioned way, as well. Would your family do best with an infant, an older child, a sibling group or one at a time? Is race an issue? If not, would any ethnicity fit? How about religion? Is it a child from the foster system you feel drawn to welcome, or one from another country altogether? Do you require a “perfectly healthy” child … or choose to make that request … or are there special needs you would welcome?
These are just a few of the choices you may be asked to pick or pass as you head down adoption road as a potential adoptive parent, and none can be made casually.
As the poet Edwin Markham said: Choices are the hinges of destiny.
And any destiny worth having takes work.
Speaking as an adoptive mom, adoption is definitely worth all the effort it takes. Of course, I would say that!
Here are my two … Sam and Cj
January 29th, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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Having taken a look at adoption loses, it seems a good time to focus attention on adoption gains.
Although those unfamiliar with adoption up-close-and-personal may have, through general exposure via films and such, come to conclusions that have to do with children being blessed through being chosen … that they are the big winners who by rights should fall on their knees with gratitude at their good fortune … but they would be wrong.
As almost any adoptive parent will proudly proclaim, it is their countenance providence smiled upon by bringing the adoption of their child to a reality.
Yes, we parents are the lucky ones, and although we, too, may come to adoption after some losses … the heartbreak of infertility, perhaps … adoption does a much better job of compensating us than it does other triad members.
It is our dreams of becoming parents that come true, our homes that ring with the laughter of children, our hearts that warm with the love we have so longed to share. For us, adoption is a miracle, and in the huge majority of cases completion of our adoptions brings the beginning of a lifelong relationship that seems to have always been destined for our family.
Of course, many children do gain through adoption, and even when tempered by their losses a loving family providing a safe and nourishing environment can be a best-of-the-best case scenario.
Birth parents, although those most often left with the least, can realize gains as well when their decision to relinquish was made freely and independently and the placement provides everything they hoped for their child.
January 25th, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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So, you’ve been thinking about adoption for a while and are now deciding to begin gathering some information. Good idea.
A big part of learning about adoption involves unlearning more than most approaching the topic understand at first, and if there are images of The Little Match Girl or Shirley Temple in any of her many roles as an adorable orphan, you might want to start by rethinking the image of adoption you’ve been cultivating.
Wikipedia does as good a job as any source in defining the word adoption as we know it today:
Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth (or “biological”) mother or father. An adoption order has the effect of severing the parental responsibilities and rights of the birth parents and transferring those responsibilities and rights onto the adoptive parent(s). After the finalization of an adoption, there is no legal difference between adopted children and those born to the parents.
But adoption is more than a word. It is also more than a process, more than an event, more than one single definable experience.
The three primary directions toward adoption — approaching as hopeful adoptive parents, dealing with a crisis pregnancy and considering an adoption plan as an option, and having been adopted as a child — converge at what is commonly referred to as the ‘triad”, and triad members have far different perspectives on the institution.
Adoption in the world is seen as a blessing, a curse, a gift, a theft, a great joy, a lifetime of suffering, an answer, a question, a noble gesture, a selfish indulgence, salvation, damnation, and many more totally contradictory terms, often by the same people at the same time.
One of the most important concepts of adoption to understand as thoroughly as possible early on is that adoption is as much about loss as it is about gain.
No adoption happens without someone having lost, and in many cases all parties coming to the table have experienced great losses, and although some may see the adoption as a path to healing, others may find little consoling there.
January 24th, 2008 | Author:
sandra |
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